Wilderness & Self Worth

It’s kind of weird to start this story. It’s weird because we just have to take a deep dive into my psyche and inner workings of my heart and mind. But it's not that big of a deal. 

Our experience here on earth is full of education. The way we are taught how to be, how to think, who to think, why to think, where to think… we’re educated in our homes, with our siblings, parents or lack of them. We’re educated by our schools, teachers, peers or lack of them. We’re educated by our culture, religion, media… or lack of them. And we’re all just out here wandering around in the world with our own unique educations accidentally assuming we’ve all got the same. Some of us are content with what we know and some of us continue to strive to learn and unlearn. 

Part of my education led me to be very sensitive to women and female bodies. I was hyper aware of the sexualizing, analyzing, comparing, contrasting, and discussing in depth of the topic. I grew up staring at my body in the mirror. Not myself. My body. I drew lines on my body just like they did in plastic surgery reality shows wishing and hoping those lines would turn me into the premium package of a woman I was failing to be. I would never tell anyone the size of clothing I wore because, obviously, it was wrong. I could give more examples… but I think you get it. I was educated very early on to have an innate criticism of my physical self. I rejected my body. I felt shame about my outer self. And this is the lens I saw my life through for most of my life. Like.. every day. Year after year. Grade after grade. 

And then - on a whim, not knowing what I was getting myself into, I barely know how I got there… I finally arrived outside. I arrived outside on extended wilderness expeditions for an extended amount of time in my life. I spent around 7 years as a Field Instructor for the Voyageur Outward Bound School and spent around 600 days in the wilderness. I’ll add here - I am sensitive to the word wilderness and how we interpret it. (That’s another conversation I’d like us to have.)

I carried all I needed in 1 bag. If I was gone for 2 days or 50.. the bag was generally the same. Layers to keep me protected from the elements. A comfortable sleep system. Some sacred clean and dry layers I’d keep buried in my bag for the days I was desperate for it. And a few personal luxury items like nice hand balm, a golf ball to massage my shoulders, and a little stone of Tigers Eye to provide protection for my travels. I paddled, portaged, skied, mushed, walked, ran, swam, and dreamt  my way across hundreds, maybe thousands of miles of wilderness.

I applied sunscreen every day. 

I brushed my teeth twice a day.

I rebraided my hair every 3 days. 

I swam in the lakes and scrubbed my body with sand on a regular basis. 

The basecamp I lived at when I wasn’t on trail had a similar vibe. I’d like to note that there were very, very few mirrors at this place. I became accustomed to not knowing what I looked like. 

No one discussed what body’s looked like. No one discussed how trim, thin, sexy, busty, curvy, hot any bodies were. If we were having anything near that discussion the adjectives we used were more like strength, patience, endurance, grit, self-care, or resilience. 

I remember a winter expedition where we were enjoying food and talk around the evening fire. It was probably around -20 degrees but we were all comfortable in the orb of heat and our insulated clothes. There was a wild discussion going on and I ended up talking about how hard it was for me to cease shaving my armpit hair. I had let my leg hair go many moons before… but the arm pits were tough to let go of. I felt awkward. I felt ugly. I felt “not” feminine. But after several hoots, hollers, shouts into the void. I ended up ripping my shirt off - and exposing my naturally growing armpit hair to the world and deciding then and there, truly madly deeply, NOT that I was never going to shave my pits again.. No no no… I decided to break free from the expectations I’d been taught to believe were the truth.

But - like anything in the cosmos - there was a balance. It took time. 

During those years I also snuck the tweezers out of the expedition first aid kit to pluck chin hairs out of my face. During those years a man I was interested in romantically told me he didn't want to be seen with a woman with such broad shoulders. During those years I still felt that burden, that miseducation. 

During those years I also shared space with someone who fully supported anything I decided to do with my outer image. That support was new to me. During those years I met so many men and women who shared this miseducation and we exchanged stories, experiences, and helped reorient each other. During those years I spent time with many young people on expeditions and helped facilitate an experience where they could focus on things other than their image. 

During those years.. 

I applied sunscreen every day. 

I brushed my teeth twice a day.

I rebraided my hair every 3 days. 

I swam in the lakes and scrubbed my body with sand on a regular basis. 

During those years I paddled, portaged, skied, mushed, walked, ran, swam, and dreamt  my way across hundreds, maybe thousands of miles of wilderness. 

I didn't realize it but I was healing. My burden of self-image, self-worth was lighter… not gone.. But wildly lighter. 

During those years I was taught to appreciate myself in all of the ways. I was taught to believe in myself and believe in the people around me. I was taught to ask better questions and be a better listener. I was taught to be bold and courageous. I was taught to apologize to people and forgive with intention. I was taught to always look for the hint of green in the sky while the sun is setting. I was taught that when it rains the earth gets wet and someday you’ll be dry again. I was taught there’s a good and a bad portage over on Pan Lake so try to remember to take the good one. I was taught that nothing can replace the women in my life. I was taught that stretching everyday makes my life better. I was taught that smiling and laughing is really important to me. 

So there is my deep dive into wilderness and its impact on me.  

The wilderness, to me, was the education I needed.